last night #2 came out of bed in his Russian gymnast pajamas and asked me what it felt like to be his mom. I was loading the dishwasher and his question really caught me off guard. He is freakin' cute in those pajamas, so even though getting out of bed after being tucked in is a no'no I had to smile at him. I told him it felt incredible to be his mom. Then I said get back in bed.
But I have been thinking about his question all day. Sometimes it feels good to be a mother. To feel loved, needed, special. Sometimes it feels tiring to be a mother. Like I am the only one keeping this ship spinning. I know Mr. Brick does an incredible job, but no one would get their antibiotic if it weren't for me....
I feel blessed to be the mother of three healthy children. I did not struggle with fertility and I know several people that do. My kids have no major illness and I know parents that are praying for a miracle.
I feel guilty as a mother. Should I buy the organic milk every time? Is our school district strong enough? Am I working outside the home too much? Do I spend too much time in front of the computer?
I feel inadequate as a mother. I have no idea how kindergarten works. It has been 24 years since I have been there. How can I not pass on my insecurities to my strong daughter? I want her to be sure of herself, confident in her body and pleased with her actions. To not assume people are thinking poorly about her or judging her. I have to get past those things in my own life, first, right? Or can I do both simultaneously?
I feel hopeful as a mother. I long for a close relationship with my children and to remain a strong influence in their lives for years to come. I want to be an instrument God uses to bring Christ into their lives.
I feel torn as a mother. I give so much to my children and extended family I often have little left to give to my husband. He does the same. I pray that while this season often has us falling into bed exhausted each evening, our passion for each other will continue to smolder and we will tend our relationship faithfully and prayerfully.
I feel inconsistent as a mother. Some days I am all funny and goofiness. I make pancakes for breakfast and we paint and play in the sprinkler and make cupcakes. Some days I am grumpy and slow and selfish. Most days are a mix of the two, but I long to be deliberate and intentional in my interactions with my children.
I feel thankful as a mother. That God entrusted these three little souls to be in my care for as long as He sees fit. I pray that I am worthy of these blessings and that I may be an encouragement along the way. I know I will get some things wrong, but I am trying hard to get them right!
How do you feel?